Sunday, February 20, 2011 Y 12:58 AM
THOUGHTS: it sucks being a mistake ... Having the feeling of something just dangling in front of you .. so close to perfection but unattainable is such a heartbreaking feeling. This summer could have been good but now I won't be able to do anything but wonder "what if" no matter what path I choose. If I choose to do the "right" thing I'll be sacrificing my time and likely have to endure torture. If I choose to do the selfish thing, I'll feel guilty and wonder if maybe I stayed those two weeks he'd be happier.
If I choose to stay I'll have to endure the hours checking in, waiting for the flight, the 15h plane ride and then the baggage retrieval and everything by myself. I don't have the heart to just tune him out and simply ignore him by doing my own thing. He'll surely want to talk, complain, and lecture as if he's granting me vast knowledge with his life's wisdom. My dad says "you'll fall asleep right when you get on". Are you joking? I've even stopped falling asleep in the car half the time.
He doesn't know me, he couldn't possibly know me. For one, he's got terrible memory and two, he was gone for most of my "identity defining" stage. I just like to pretend that maybe my family's whole, and that I'm not the only one trying to hold it together. I mean I don't want us to have family outings all the time or have family meetings or anything like that. But dinner would be nice. Having everyone in the same house would be nice too. It really isn't fair. My brother and sister got to have everyone throughout high school and throughout university, well no my sister graduated a bit after they left. But me, the youngest and the mistake child giving me a difference of 9 years with my sister and 11 with my brother, I supported myself. It's just not fair. I want the comfort, I want the security, I want the warmth. Now it's just me and my dad trying to salvage the family. But I think he just wants to be needed and wants to feel like "DAD". I on the other hand, am picking up the pieces of my family and storing it away in a box, attempting to treasure what's left. I am never doing this to my kids. I'd rather move the whole family than live continents away. I wonder how different things would have been if I left with them.
The good thing is that the rest of my life is very close to perfect actually. Things could be better with my fiance but I'm starting to see the light in the darkness. The change is slow, but it's there.
ANYWAYS: back to the problem at hand.
If I come back at the time that was planned I will have a better check-in, plane ride and etc. with my brother and sister. I will also gain two weeks with my hubby + friends and hopefully find work within the time. But my grandpa will also lose two possible weeks he could have had with family. But would he not be glad for the three weeks that he did get? I mean I'm pretty sure the two extra weeks was my dad's idea. I'm doubtful my grandpa would have said "Oh I'd love to stay two more weeks but I'm afraid to come back alone." I wish Ken or Eva could go with him but I suppose I shouldn't push my problems onto someone else.
Argh, I don't know. I love my grandpa and all but his crabby attitude really doesn't make me want to sacrifice anything for him. I am doubtful he will bicker any less simply because he stayed two extra weeks in Hong Kong ..
This sucks, everything always falls on Elaine. Elaine has to spend time with grandpa and make him happy. Elaine has to spend time with dad and make him happy. Elaine has to help dad because no one else is available. But Elaine gets so much .. it's only right she gives back is it not? But she doesn't want to lose two weeks! Two weeks is a looong time.
I don't want to ride the plane by myself, I'm scared.
