Tuesday, September 21, 2010 Y 11:44 PM
THOUGHT: Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain. Sigh .. another conversation ruined, another night spent with watery eyes.
Ironically, I'm a believer of Christ, someone who believes without seeing and yet I am always skeptical of people's intentions. Whether they're people I've just met, people I've been acquainted with for years, or whether .. they're people from church.
For me, I know my church is home. Even if I don't always feel comfortable in it, it'll still be a home. But for some reason, I can't see your church as your home. It all feels so official, prestige and showy. So fake .. But I know it's not, it can't be. It's a church. Maybe .. it's because of the way I see your dad. I mean don't get me wrong he's a good guy, well he tries to be. But he's such an intense Christian that sometimes I wonder how much of it is real. (The pharisees on the surface were also good Christians). Then there's also how he uses and manipulates passage. He uses it as a weapon, as your kryptonite. He uses it to justify his actions and if I see your church the way I see him .. then it's justifiable that I'm skeptical isn't it?
Then on top of that, he's korean, you're korean, church's korean. So exclusive, so uninviting. But I guess that only applies to me ..
In spite of all this I am proud of you for taking that extra step, for going that extra mile. : ) and I'm glad you're dedicating yourself to it. I can't explain why I don't want you to take that class. Maybe it's because of the reasons I've stated above, maybe it's because I feel like it's taking you away from me. Maybe it's because I just want you to keep an open mind and not automatically take what people say as the truth. I guess we'll never know, since you don't want to talk about this kind of stuff with me anymore and it's not like I'll ever figure out why. Maybe this hostility will just disappear as time goes on, or maybe as my korean improves, or maybe as I get more accepted by your parents ... It hurts when you don't want to talk to me.
