Saturday, August 21, 2010 Y 12:06 AM
THOUGHT: Everyday decisions are made based on rational and logic. With these decisions one also decides whether it is right or wrong. However, everyday decisions are also made based on emotions and these decisions evade right or wrong. They are simply what the heart wants.It often sounds like anger and frustration. But most of the time, it's simply sadness. The kind that wraps itself around your heart and squeezes. I'm determined to stay proactive and make amends for the mess I've created. But how can I when there's a 25 feet restraining order around them.
It baffles me as they live their lives as holy as possible, portraying the utmost God-dedicated-attitude they can with everything in their lives. Except, when it come to me. Thoughts of forgiveness, faith, love and
any sort Christian attitude flies out the window. Why the resentment towards me? I know that I broke your trusts once but does that mean that I can't be trusted at all? Does that mean that everything else, the good grades, the Christian background, the coming home before curfew is all meaningless?
Since everything seems to be taken by a blind eye, as I see it, I only have two options.
1. Wait 5-7 years for the water to cool
2. Use Ryan to hopefully plant a seed of forgiveness
I know it sounds bad. I do sincerely sincerely want to create a bond and a relationship with Ryan. It hurts me to think that I've been dating Sam for over a year and that he
barely doesn't acknowledge my existence. I want to be like the big sister he's always wanted. Well .. I don't know any little boys that actually want a big sister but .. I want him to want to spend time with me. But I'm also hoping that by creating this relationship with Ryan, I will somehow receive an invitation into their home and hearts. That maybe Ryan's thoughts of me will not go unheard. This will also take time, but, it's better than waiting.
Prayer Request: That God will open up their hearts to forgiveness and let us create a loving and lasting bond and that He helps me pick Korean quickly so that I can communicate.
