Tuesday, May 25, 2010 Y 10:12 PM
THOUGHT: God made each and everyone of us different. So how do I know if I'm a good Christian if I'm not suppose to compare myself to other people.
I feel like as a Christian, there's so much pressure to get involved in missions. I mean it makes sense because that's the only way to get the word out there. To reach the nations where there is no freedom of religion. But, is that the only way to be a truly good Christian? Is that the only way to be a strong Christian? Can't I be a strong Christian through my actions towards my family, my friends, my co-workers and strangers. Can't that be my testimony of faith? Or is it a biblical requirement that I put myself out there, in this foreign country, physically risk my life and preach to unbelievers. Is that the only way? Sometimes, I hear people talk about their faith and all they want to do for God and sometimes, I wonder is it all for looks? Are they doing it because its what a Christian is
suppose to do, because that's what everyone else
expects of them? But how do they feel about it in their heart? Is this what God is calling them to do? Is this how God actually wants it? Sometimes, people get so caught up in looking like a good Christian that when it's time to prove they are one, in their day to day actions, they actually appear more like an unbeliever. It's not impossible, because when people do it for the show, their heart isn't in it and therefore when they think no one's watching, their heart reveals itself.
Honestly, I guess the only thing holding me back is fear. Fear of the unknown. Fear because I don't know what to expect. But .. I'd feel like such a liar if I can't even walk my talk. If I can't even try to walk my talk how can I talk to others, and encourage others? How can I when I'm a fraud? I can't even ask for forgiveness because I know in my heart that my apologies, my repentance is a lie and that it's just going to continue tomorrow, and the day after that, and in the weeks that follow. There is no purpose in an empty repentance. It's not even repenting if you're not sincere about it. But even so, I'll continue praying for
guidance and
courage. Guidance to make the right decisions and to know His plan. Courage to follow it.
Sunday, May 23, 2010 Y 1:20 AM
THOUGHT: The wonderful and the scary thing about love is that it's ageless. It might happen when you're 15, it might happen when you're 25 or it might even happen when you're 40. But never stop waiting for it.Happy 11 months babes. : ) It's really hard to believe that it's already been 11 months. These past 11 months have probably been some of the darkest and some of the happiest months I've ever experienced. I've never loved anyone more, I've never laughed because of anyone more and I've never been so happy. It's because of this that I want to go through the gloomy days. It's
because you're the in the light at the end of the tunnel. You've made me a better person. You've made me more confident. You've given me courage. You've given me inspiration and when I can't stand on my own, you're always there to help me walk, step by step.
I don't know what about yesterday made me feel this way, but ever since you left my heart's just been bursting with love. Was it just the fact that you were there for me? Was it because you never complained or was it because everything I needed from you, you needed from me too? It's amazing how perfect you are. It's not that you know how to be perfect. It's not that you practise to be perfect. But that you just are perfect, simply by doing the best you can. Hearing your voice today without all the Timmy's noise was just .. amazing. You got my heart thumping and all I could do was smile. You are my perfection.
Babes, our love shouldn't be something that's kept secret. I want to shout it from the roof tops. I want to stick it in your parent's face like a cherry pie xP. I want a big tattoo that says SAM with a heart. I want the world to know what we have and that we only got it through God's grace.
I, Elaine Yee Ling Chan, love you, Samuel Hyun Seo Park, so friggen much. Happy (1 hour and 50mins) belated 11 months my fiance.
Tuesday, May 4, 2010 Y 11:13 PM
THOUGHT: Argh. You say they don't hate me .. anymore, but they'll honestly never like me. I'm just not what they want .. and that hurts.You know what I hate? Waiting and wasting time, which is exactly what waiting is. I also don't want to put all my time, effort, and money into something that's never gonna change. Waiting for results is the worst and you have to remain hopeful the whole time because you might not get the result you're looking for until the very last second. That's always a possibility. I mean if I have to wait, atleast make the time frame reasonable .. T.T
Of course sometimes you can always force the change. This will probably happen in my case. They'll have to give me the result I want .. willingly or not, in say .. 4 years. I guess we can call that my time frame. : )
