Sunday, April 25, 2010 Y 10:35 AM
THOUGHT: Reflections are funny, I can look at it and I'll look perfectly fine, but I'll go meet up with someone and there will be toothpaste on the corner of my lips or eyeliner smudge. I don't think I've ever done anything really bad in life. I've always had good marks and had good relationships, friends and boyfriends. But why is it that I still feel like a train off the tracks. I know what I want and I've got the ability to do it. I just can't. A lot of the times, I feel like I'm trying to fit myself in somewhere when everyone's already a close knit of friends. I just can't figure out where I fit anymore. I feel like a lost puzzle piece.
But it's the hardest when everyone already knows me. Everyone's seen me from a couple years ago, and then I completely fell off the radar, disappeared, severed my relationships and now I'm pretty much resurfacing. I feel like everyone's watching me. But I know it's all in my head. Nobody's thinking what I'm thinking. I guess I'm just paranoid. But because of this I find it so hard to even make an effort to fit in. I can make friends fairly easily. It's just re-making friends, that's the hard part.
Maybe one on one I'd be okay. But, how often does someone just sit around by themself?
The party on Friday was fun. It was nice seeing everyone again and it was odd realizing how everyone's grown up I guess. It was easy to talk to some people. The people that I sort of stayed in contact with over the years. But, if I wasn't with Sam, I felt out of place. I didn't know what to do with myself. But it was the first time I'd ever been to a party with so many Rick people. It'll probably get easier after a while, but it's too late anyways, grad's in two months.
This doesn't just apply to school, it's also at church. I just can't seem to connect. I can't find where I'm suppose to fit in and the devos I've been reading have been telling me how important church is and creating fellowship and connecting with people. But it's just so hard. I don't fit in with Genesis, the people that are my age and obviously it's awkward with the older people .. I just don't know what to do or where to start ... would it be easier with a new start where no one's seen me grow up?
Argh. I know the answer is to just put myself out there, but I just can't do it.
