Wednesday, March 17, 2010 Y 1:08 AM
THOUGHT: If I didn't love him then he wouldn't be able to make me feel this way.I hate it . I feel pathetic. I feel needy. I feel clingy. It's gross. I don't want to be this way. But how the hell am I suppose to stop myself from feeling this way? I can't love him any less. And for fucks sakes .. if I can't do 5 days how the hell am I gonna do 10 in the summer?!?! What the fuck. I've also been thinking about university but uni won't be half as bad. I'll still be in contact and we'll be able to text and talk all the time :). Also I'm fairly certain I'll be able to go home at least once a week. But oh God .. the summer. That's gonna be torture .. I'll be ripping my hair out by the second day. But part of the horror of all this is that I don't affect him the same way. He's got his priorities straight and he's got his mind set. If I was in his position, we wouldn't be spending a single day apart. But of course he's not. I hate this. I hate myself for needing him so much. I hate how amazing he is. I hate how he completely won me over in just a couple months. Two months before I met him, I didn't want to be the married 17 year old and I wanted to be as free as possible. Now I'm gonna be the married 18 year old and if it was my choice .. I'd be handcuffed to him ... T.T I'm a sad, sad, slightly crazy girl .... I hate myself. I want to be blissfully in love but I also want to be in control. Instead I'm madly in love and a war's raging in my head. I can't stand it ... I'm going crazy. I can't seem to decide whether getting as much contact as possible or as little contact as possible is best. Maybe if I talk to him as much as possible it'll be able to ease the pain and I won't miss him as much. OR maybe if I don't talk to him at all the pain will be numbed and I won't miss him as much. LOL I'm an idiot.
