THOUGHT: When will the winter of our love end. When will the summer shine it's warmth on us. Or has our love taken up residence in the Arctic where the summers are short and still cold.
I'm tired of all the tears and the heartaches. I'm tired of missing you and wanting you all the time. I'm tired of always having to rush it and counting the days of when I'll be able to talk to you properly again. I'm tired of always having to say good bye and I'll see you soon because it's never soon enough. I wish there was a fast forward in life so we could just skip the next four years and find ourselves married and living together. I don't care if we're dirt poor or we can't eat at expensive restaurants or we rent an apartment. I just want to be with you and be able to fall asleep together. No hiding, no locked doors and limitless time together.

THOUGHT: One's heart controls one's emotions and one's mind controls one's actions. Sometimes a person's heart can become overpowering and they'll act unexpectedly. Other times, the mind reigns over one's emotions and chooses to hide many feelings.
Sometimes I wish I was your number one priority. Most of the time ... I get it and I know it's for the best and most of the time, I wish you weren't my number one priority.

THOUGHT: If I didn't love him then he wouldn't be able to make me feel this way.
I hate it . I feel pathetic. I feel needy. I feel clingy. It's gross. I don't want to be this way. But how the hell am I suppose to stop myself from feeling this way? I can't love him any less. And for fucks sakes .. if I can't do 5 days how the hell am I gonna do 10 in the summer?!?! What the fuck. I've also been thinking about university but uni won't be half as bad. I'll still be in contact and we'll be able to text and talk all the time :). Also I'm fairly certain I'll be able to go home at least once a week. But oh God .. the summer. That's gonna be torture .. I'll be ripping my hair out by the second day. But part of the horror of all this is that I don't affect him the same way. He's got his priorities straight and he's got his mind set. If I was in his position, we wouldn't be spending a single day apart. But of course he's not. I hate this. I hate myself for needing him so much. I hate how amazing he is. I hate how he completely won me over in just a couple months. Two months before I met him, I didn't want to be the married 17 year old and I wanted to be as free as possible. Now I'm gonna be the married 18 year old and if it was my choice .. I'd be handcuffed to him ... T.T I'm a sad, sad, slightly crazy girl .... I hate myself. I want to be blissfully in love but I also want to be in control. Instead I'm madly in love and a war's raging in my head. I can't stand it ... I'm going crazy. I can't seem to decide whether getting as much contact as possible or as little contact as possible is best. Maybe if I talk to him as much as possible it'll be able to ease the pain and I won't miss him as much. OR maybe if I don't talk to him at all the pain will be numbed and I won't miss him as much. LOL I'm an idiot.

THOUGHT: You're still fucking dead to me ..
No matter how much I miss the friendship we had I just can't help but hate you. You honestly irritate me. You're damn voice, your damn laugh and your goddamn needs-a-trim hair. Stop thinking about me, stop talking about me, and keep your end of the bargain. I'm suppose to be dead to you too.

- See the world
- Get a two pac
- Complete my bucket list
- Grow two inches

April 2009
May 2009
June 2009
July 2009
August 2009
September 2009
October 2009
November 2009
December 2009
January 2010
February 2010
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February 2011
March 2011
May 2011

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