Friday, December 18, 2009 Y 2:07 AM
THOUGHTS: The doubt, the fear, the lack of confidence seeps into every breathe I take. I can't breathe. // Oopsy Daisy - ChipmunkHow does a girl with her guard up, with her shield and her distance still get hurt? Well obviously stupid .. she loses all those things.It's times like right now that I wish I was single. It's not because I don't love him and it's not because we have a bad relationship or anything. It's not what anyone's thinking when I said "I wish I was single". What I meant by that was that if I was single, I wouldn't have to watch my self-esteem get bruised over and over again.You know, I'm the type of person that wants to be the best at everything. Well atleast my personal best because I can't possibly always be the best. But, you know what the worst thing is? It's not being able to achieve your personal best. You see the goal, you see what you want to be. But for some reason or another you just can't reach it. You just can't do it and it's that constant disappointment that keeps shoving itself in myself. It's that disappoint that I could have atleast pretended to have been blind to if I was single. I've got expectations for myself and honestly, lately, I've been failing and I just feel so useless and so stupid.I'm slipping and I can't seem to find my footing.
But hey, you know what I'm best at, making myself feel better. Through that cloud there is always optimism. It's embedded in my DNA and it's my pick me up. So, even when I'm broken and in despair I always know it'll get better, somehow I'll be okay, someway.
Happy holidays bloggers and stalkers ; ) !!
