THOUGHTS: The doubt, the fear, the lack of confidence seeps into every breathe I take. I can't breathe. // Oopsy Daisy - Chipmunk
How does a girl with her guard up, with her shield and her distance still get hurt? Well obviously stupid .. she loses all those things.
It's times like right now that I wish I was single. It's not because I don't love him and it's not because we have a bad relationship or anything. It's not what anyone's thinking when I said "I wish I was single". What I meant by that was that if I was single, I wouldn't have to watch my self-esteem get bruised over and over again.

You know, I'm the type of person that wants to be the best at everything. Well atleast my personal best because I can't possibly always be the best. But, you know what the worst thing is? It's not being able to achieve your personal best. You see the goal, you see what you want to be. But for some reason or another you just can't reach it. You just can't do it and it's that constant disappointment that keeps shoving itself in myself. It's that disappoint that I could have atleast pretended to have been blind to if I was single. I've got expectations for myself and honestly, lately, I've been failing and I just feel so useless and so stupid.

I'm slipping and I can't seem to find my footing.

But hey, you know what I'm best at, making myself feel better. Through that cloud there is always optimism. It's embedded in my DNA and it's my pick me up. So, even when I'm broken and in despair I always know it'll get better, somehow I'll be okay, someway.

Happy holidays bloggers and stalkers ; ) !!

THOUGHTS: Sometimes the world really is against you and all you can do is hide away in your room where nothing can go wrong until the cloud disappears.
You just can't control everything. It is hardly ever going to go exactly as you planned. It'll never be what you expected. So sometimes, you just have to go with it and set your expectations low. Nobody's perfect. You're not perfect. So don't expect it.

You know what my question is? WHY THE HORMONES? What in the world is the point of going through all these changes and all these hormones that like to fuck with your emotions? I understand the whole "developing the body" and shit but does it have to fuck with your brain too? I can't tell whether my emotions are mine anymore. The happiness and the joy I don't care about. It's the shitty emotions that make me want to crawl in a hole that I hate. It's the ones that bring tears to my eyes that I want to get rid of. There is no purpose. They have no foothold.

Just wanted to say as a side note ... I wish I could tell you myself. Obviously we're not close and I have no business in your business ... but I want you to know that I know you're very confused right now and hurt and it's okay. I've been there and you're not superwoman. Don't let him use you and don't let him control you. I know his happiness is important to you but your happiness shouldn't come second. If you're not happy it has to change. You can keep telling yourself that as long as he's happy you're happy but that's not the way it works. It's just a matter of time before you realize that. I also know that when you're with him it just makes everything more confusing. That's why right now, you need to be alone, you need to be your own person and figure out what you want. When you know, and once you've decided, don't change your mind when you talk to him because then, you'll be betraying yourself. Stop doing what's best for him and do what will make you happy.

THOUGHT: The irony is I've never been seriously hurt before. But I can empathize with the pain.

I love you,
Not only for what you are
But for what I am
When I am with you.

I love you,
Not only for what
You have made of yourself
But for what
You are making of me.

I love you,
For the part of me
That you bring out:
I love you,
For putting your hand
Into my heaped-up heart
And passing over
All the foolish, weak things
That you can't help
Dimly seeing there,
And for drawing out
Into the light
All the beautiful belongings
That no one else had looked
Quite far enough to find.
I love you because you
Are helping me to make
Of the lumber of my life
Not a tavern
But a temple;
Out of works
Of my every day
Not a reproach
But a song.
- By Roy Croft

- See the world
- Get a two pac
- Complete my bucket list
- Grow two inches

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