Monday, September 28, 2009 Y 9:50 PM
THOUGHT: I'm not masochistic but it's definitely better to have loved and loss than to have never loved at all. I hope this isn't the "scare the guy away" blog. That's kinda the last thing I want.
That time I blurted out "if we got engaged", it was an accident. But, I think, I could have meant it. The day I had a dream about us getting married, I knew I was in too deep, everything meant too much already. After I realized that, I lost my whole act, the nonchalance. My walls were being chipped away and I can still feel them coming down more everyday. This honestly scares me, a lot. Not because I don't trust you, but because it's just going to hurt so much more in the end. I knew that going in to something that might not last was risky but I was hoping not to get attached. To be able to let go when the time comes. But how can I let go of something that's so perfect, that's just so right in any and every way possible. How can I let go of something that just means so much and makes me feel like an amazing person. (Ha, am I scaring you yet? It's okay, scaring you away would probably be easier than what could happen later). I know we still have months and months to work this out but, I've never really been one to just "put it aside and worry about it later". At the end of the day, itt will always be in the back of my head reminding me not to enjoy it too much, not to get any more attached so maybe it will be a little easier.
Now, I'm not saying it can't work. It probably could but I can't be selfish and keep you all to myself while you still have the world to see and enjoy. We both see that in each other and we both know what reality is.
Everything I write because I know you'll see it. It is much easier for me to tell you this way than for me to actually say. But sometimes on the other hand, I wish you couldn't read it. So you wouldn't have to worry about my dumb thoughts ruining your day.
