THOUGHT: I'm not masochistic but it's definitely better to have loved and loss than to have never loved at all.
I hope this isn't the "scare the guy away" blog. That's kinda the last thing I want.

That time I blurted out "if we got engaged", it was an accident. But, I think, I could have meant it. The day I had a dream about us getting married, I knew I was in too deep, everything meant too much already. After I realized that, I lost my whole act, the nonchalance. My walls were being chipped away and I can still feel them coming down more everyday. This honestly scares me, a lot. Not because I don't trust you, but because it's just going to hurt so much more in the end. I knew that going in to something that might not last was risky but I was hoping not to get attached. To be able to let go when the time comes. But how can I let go of something that's so perfect, that's just so right in any and every way possible. How can I let go of something that just means so much and makes me feel like an amazing person. (Ha, am I scaring you yet? It's okay, scaring you away would probably be easier than what could happen later). I know we still have months and months to work this out but, I've never really been one to just "put it aside and worry about it later". At the end of the day, itt will always be in the back of my head reminding me not to enjoy it too much, not to get any more attached so maybe it will be a little easier.

Now, I'm not saying it can't work. It probably could but I can't be selfish and keep you all to myself while you still have the world to see and enjoy. We both see that in each other and we both know what reality is.

Everything I write because I know you'll see it. It is much easier for me to tell you this way than for me to actually say. But sometimes on the other hand, I wish you couldn't read it. So you wouldn't have to worry about my dumb thoughts ruining your day.

THOUGHTS: Just one of those hair ripping, mascara smudging moods.
Being insanely tired + having crap assignments thrown at you + having an overwhelming couple days = a very displeased, punch the fucker in the face, elaine. I know full well that I really just need to take a step back and breathe. But I really don't want to hear it. It's funny because everyone goes through that. Where they're in the shittiest mood, you ask them what's wrong, they tell you and you go well it's not that bad. You tell them what could help and they get all defensive going noo but blah blah blah. They just don't want to hear it. It's the whole wallowing in self-pity thing. They think they're so special that they're the centre of the whole world. That's the worst about depressed people. They're so God damn selfish. All the think about is how the world is making them miserable. Yea, because the rest of the world is just doing so great.

Damn that softball tournament. I was hoping so bad they wouldn't get in. We suck it up and deal with the choices we make, right? Well, I have a headache. I'm going to sleep.

THOUGHT: Turn up the music, drown out the noise, I don't want to hear it anymore.
I just want everything to stop, to just shut up and stop functioning for just an hour. The thoughts are all driving me crazy. I honestly wish right now that my mind was an empty slate, no emotion, no worries. I've just got such a terrible feeling in the pit of my stomach and it won't go away. I've felt this feeling before, but this time, I feel like something's gonna happen this weekend. Something bad's gonna happen. I really, really don't know why. I think I'm just being stupid. But really I'm feeling very overwhelmed. I think it's just the pressure getting to me and nothing's exactly at it's best. Well really, nothing's changed, I just feel lost. I know I'm over thinking but I can't stop the thoughts.

THOUGHT: Don't climb the ladder and you won't fall.
Because I realized it, I thought about it. Because I couldn't stop thinking about it, it hurt more than it should.

THOUGHT: When morals contradict my personality.
I feel like the place is draining my soul. It was this year when everything became defined and the people I did want to talk to and the people I didn't want to talk to actually became an issue. My boyfriend, he's friends with almost everyone in our grade. well friends with everyone that talks x ). But, this creates an issue for me because there are many people I'd rather not talk to. There really wouldn't be a problem because I could easily just not talk to them but, I actually want to make friends and the crowds are so interlaced I can't exactly pick and choose my friends. That's not even the irony of it. The irony is, is that I could easily make friends with everyone except for maybe one person that I've vocalized my distaste for. Everyone else doesn't actually physically know I don't like them. They just know I don't make an effort to talk to them or even smile at them. I can't stoop to such a level as to pretend I actually like them simply because I want to make friends. I can't do that. That goes against everything I believe in.

I honestly cannot wait until university. It'll be like turning over a new leaf. A whole new social circle, countless opportunities and a fresh image. Also there will only be about a handful of people I'll have to keep in touch with instead of the twenty thousand if I actually was friends with everyone.

THOUGHT: Essentially, Christianity is blind faith in God.
Don't get me wrong I'd still call myself a Christian but, sometimes I doubt myself. There is no reason Not to believe but what is the reason for me to believe? I cannot let the purpose of my life hang on a "why not". I do truly believe that God has blessed everything throughout my life and has let me live a fairly comfy lifestyle. However, is this really a product of God, or a product of the compassion and well meaning of my parents which allows us to be blessed. I mean think about it, if the expression what comes around goes around is true and all Christian act accordingly then how can Christians not be blessed. In addition, aren't there many that do not deserve to be blessed still receive blessings? Really I believe my only answer will only be achieved through experiment and knowledge of the different religions and this is my new school years resolution. To learn about religion and not be a blind sheep following his shepherd.

On a different note, I've realized I've changed drastically in my love life. I'm not the nonchalant person I thought I was. Jealousy plays such a large role, it's rather embarrassing to talk about. For one, I'm more envious than jealous of those that get to talk to you in Korean. I feel like you're a whole different person and it's a side I'll never be able to understand, let alone be apart of it. In addition to this, I feel very possessive. I believe this is a direct effect of the fact that your life does not solely revolve around me like it did for the other ones and I feel as if I must stake my claim or something. Today, for example, oddly enough when she complimented you (yes it's considered a compliment when a girl says you're cute) I felt angry and I was actually tempted to grab you and make out with you right then and there. But instead I got angry and walked away before I could do something really stupid. Oiy Vay, this is embarrassing =.=" lol.

Well work has thoroughly screwed my sleeping habits up .. GREAT. T.T

- See the world
- Get a two pac
- Complete my bucket list
- Grow two inches

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