THOUGHT: Beauty = perfection = perfection is in the eye of the beholder.
Really you're so perfect, I love you. There's no doubt in my mind and you're perfect in every way. Your humor .. your weird awkward thing .. your ability to make me feel like an ass when I'm being an ass without being an ass yourself x ) .. your spontaneity .. your beliefs .. your sleeping habits .. your bedside manner .. your honesty .. your sense of reality .. your expectations .. your goals .. your competitive nature .. all in perfect balance.

This blog itself already brought me out of my morbidity, the power you hold over me scares me but feels so right at the same time.

THOUGHT: Ironically the puprose in life .. is to find a reason to live.
I suppose death would be considered the moving on of ones soul to .. wherever they go. For me I believe my soul will goto heaven, others reincarnated to another life. But, why does death happen? Is it when God believes that we have survived our purpose in this world, in this body so it's time to move on? Is it because we have learned all we can or will learn so .. there's no point in living? There never really are the "right" words to say. Just .. someone to pick you up when you're a sobbing disheveled mess. Nothing to fill that empty hole he left behind. The hole really doesn't go away .. you just learn to work around the hole and continue to live, that's all there is to it.

Ironically each death serves a purpose by impacting those around them, creating growth and knowledge from experience in those they affect. It'd be like their last dying action for those they care about enough to affect. Maybe that's when someone dies. When that person's death will create the maximum positive impact.

I wonder .. what it feels like. Will you know what's happening when its happening? Would I want to know? But death can't be feared (though from the beginning of time it has been referred to as a punishment) or forced, it is meant to be natural and painless.

THOUGHT: The worst kind of people to be mad at are the ignorant, because you must be sympathetic to their ignorance which had caused your anger.
... You've honestly got to be fucking joking me. What do I look like to you ? Some fucking asian pornstar ? I've been told I have the hair and obviously the asian quality but I don't go around walking, speaking, emitting sex. This is fucking grade 7 all over again. Do I really and honestly look like a fucking slut to the outside world ? Because I thought I looked pretty decent.

You can have your thoughts and your suspicions and what not. I know I've told you we're close but we've never ever touched on that subject before so why the hell would you assume it is okay now ? I know its suppose to be a joke but I am in all honestly more insulted than I've been in a while. Like I said it's grade 7 all over again, which is probably the last time I was insulted like this. Your apologies honestly mean nothing to me because you don't even know what you did wrong. Don't do it again because I have learned that there are times when it is appropriate to slap.

THOUGHT: Life's hard I get it, but being a suck up isn't the way.
Two-faced son of a bitches.

THOUGHT: Everyone's got 2 security blankets, a mental one and a physical one.
It's really weird going out without make-up. It's not that I feel weird, it's quite the opposite actually. I can go out without make-up and I'll be okay with it. I don't know when this changed, but I know it has because I more than frequently go out with either none or almost no make-up on. For me, my make-up has always been a security blanket. If I didn't put it on, I would feel as if I'm exposed to the world, insecure. Now, I don't care anymore and that's different for me. I think it started with work. Since I'm really not a morning person, I more often than not wake up later than I planned to and in my haste to catch my bus, I forget to put my make-up on. At first, I hated this fact and I'd go off to Sephora and put eyeliner on the first chance I got. Slowly, I started not to care thinking: "its just work, whatever". I suppose this slowly started to apply to other places of my life. When I go over to a friend's house or see my boyfriend. It's not really a big deal anymore. In the past, even though they have all seen me without make-up, I still felt the need to always put it on before seeing anyone (except family of course). Now, surprisingly, I don't care and I'm actually really proud of myself. ♥

THOUGHT: Don't live your life on "what ifs" but on "because".
In everything that has ever happened in my life, I have not regretted a single moment of it. I am truly glad that it has all happened. But, more recently I've noticed (but have always known) that I'm really not one to dwell on things that are out of my control. I have the mental ability to shrug off and discourage negative thoughts so that I don't think about them. Upon realizing this I realized that many of the events in my life I pretty much tuck away into a little compartment in my head and deal with them much later, after the effect of those thoughts appear to no longer bother me. Sometimes I get surprised because the thoughts return and I recall the anger or the sadness I felt then. But because I have moved on, my feelings are and can be dealt with. I believe this is the main reason that I do not regret anything in my life. Because I am able to think clearly and appreciate anything that has happened or been said. In addition to this process, I subconsciously prevent the same event from occurring and I protect and improve myself. This gives me the courage and the confidence in my day to day life.

Although, there is one thing that still makes my confidence waver and makes me self-conscious. But, I guess this is only because I have made myself so vulnerable so quickly over the course of these past two months. I also doubt myself because, I feel as though this perfection can't be held and this area of my life is the most potent to change and is definitely something I don't want to lose. I try not to think about it but my confidence is difficult to hold onto.

- See the world
- Get a two pac
- Complete my bucket list
- Grow two inches

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